14 l Mom Guilt l A Deep Dive into Societal Pressure Surrounding Work VS Staying at Home

We've all been there - the dreaded mom guilt. The balancing act of wanting to be there for your child's every laugh and tear while also trying to meet your professional responsibilities can be tough. In our candid conversation, we, Felicia and Bri, open up about the struggles of working remotely and the guilt associated with not being able to be fully present for our children. But it's not all gloom and doom! We also discuss the upside of having the privilege to work from home, like hearing your child's giggles from the next room or taking lunch breaks together.

Ever felt like society often paints a picture of motherhood that leaves you feeling like there's no winning? You're not alone. In the second part of our discussion, we dive into the complexities of mom guilt, underscored by the unrealistic expectations society places on mothers. We emphasize the importance of having open conversations with your partner and navigating a parenting approach that works best for your family, not what societal norms dictate. Remember, there's no one-size-fits-all in parenting. So, whether you choose daycare, a nanny, or an au pair, it's about finding what works best for you and your family while giving yourself room to make mistakes and learn from them. Join us in this honest and empathetic exploration of mom guilt, and know that it's okay to sometimes struggle - you're not alone.

Thank you so much for joining us today . We’re so excited you’re taking this journey with us! They say it takes a village, welcome home mama!

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Felicia’s Instagram: @Felicia_Sorby
Bri’s Instagram: @Brie.Rodriquez

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Hey Mama, welcome to Postpartum Confessions, a podcast for anyone navigating the ups and downs of becoming a mom. I'm Felicia.

Speaker 2: 0:17

I'm Bri and we're here to bring you truly unfiltered conversations from the expected to the unexpected parts of being a mom, Whether you're trying to conceive, pregnant or already a mother, this podcast is for you.

Speaker 1: 0:27

Let's discover the secrets no one told you about motherhood and how to overcome them together. They say it takes a village. Welcome home.

Speaker 2: 0:34

Are you ready? Let's dive in.

Speaker 1: 0:44

Hey Mama Felicia here, Welcome back to a mini episode with us at Postpartum Confessions. Today we're going to talk about the guilt that comes with being a mom, whether you're stay-at-home mom or a working mom.

Speaker 2: 0:54

Hi Mama, this is Bri. I'm excited for this episode because, well, I mean, it hits home. There's so much guilt we feel as parents, like maybe not doing everything right, having to lose time with your kids, but also wanting time back for yourself, and I mean it can get messy, or emotions tied to all of that gets really messy. So I think it's going to be fun to kind of dive into all of this and we're going to waste no time since it's a mini.

Speaker 1: 1:19

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:19

So I guess starting out is Bri and I are both remotely at home and we kind of both have that experience.

Speaker 1: 1:27

I have worked a little bit outside of the home so I kind of have a little bit of both guilt with sending my daughter to daycare versus keeping her at home with me. And I think the hard part is when you're working whether it's remote or away from the home is you really want to be able to see all the little things that happen with your kid, whether it's like the walking, the talking, the eating, the first type of food for the first time and all that stuff, and you want to be there for all of it. And it's hard because when you're remote at least for me, it feels like I should be able to do those things because I have the opportunity to be here or be wherever with my daughter and I still feel like I can't pay attention to her. You know like I am working and I have things to do and it's just hard because the opportunity is there but the flexibility in my time isn't always there.

Speaker 2: 2:22

Yeah, I mean I think you nailed it in the sense of it's like your home and I think one of the best things about being able to work remote and for me that stemmed from like COVID and kind of extended on through but the best part is that you can hear them and you can be around them, you can take lunch and go down there. So there are so many benefits. But the guilt comes in when you're not able to, when you hear the things and you want to be there, you want to, like you know, hang out or be playing, and sometimes it's hard to focus on doing what you're doing. But you know you have to get it done and you know we ended up when you. We thought about it for a really long time. Like you know, daycare was an option. My not working was an option, not really financially speaking and maybe getting a nanny, even a part time for a little while, was an option and we ended up going the route of getting an au pair. So we have somebody who stays with us and it's like a kind of like a cultural exchange program and it's actually been really, really good. We can talk about that at another time. But what I wanted to get into is that I hear them and you hear the laughing and even the cries or like different things, and you want to be there and fix everything. But you also have to give them space so she can, you know, do what she needs to do to take care of the kids.

Speaker 2: 3:36

But one of the things that's kind of, I guess, a little hurtful sometimes is, every now and then, you know, my daughter in particular, my son, all the time he's young and wants mom and dad at every waking moment, but my daughter in particular, every now and then she gets really hung up on wanting one of us. But every now and then, like you know, I'll, you know we go downstairs and I make some coffee and then get ready to go back upstairs to start work, and she'll be like mommy, go working. And I'm like, yeah, you know, and then she'll. So sometimes I come down to get a snack or just to hang out with them for a minute because I need a break or something, and she'll be like, no, mommy, go working, go upstairs. And I'm like rude, and so she's not meaning to be rude, but she'll be like I want to play with Brina, and you know that's how she calls her our, our au pair and, um, well, her name's Sabrina and she calls her Brina. But you know, it's so one way I get it, cause she's like I want Brina and I'm like like it makes me a little sad but at the same time I'm happy that she's so comfortable with her. But, yeah, every now and then she'll be like, uh, go upstairs and or basically it's like, go away.

Speaker 2: 4:42

So then I feel the huge guilt of you know, having to. Sometimes it it's a little frustrating or it makes me a little sad that you have to spend all of this time, you know, kind of away from the kids and you're right there and you're not the one that's connecting with them for the 40 hours, or you know that time, and then sometimes, when you are connecting with them through that time, you're like, oh gosh, I got to get some work done. Or it's like your brain just can't shut off. You know it's. It's a list of to-dos for work, it's a list of to-dos for the house, it's a list of to-dos for being a mom. You know, never ends.

Speaker 1: 5:20

Oh yeah, I, oh, I definitely feel that, and on the additional side to what you said about like the connection that they're getting with someone else, I have my daughter in daycare currently for two days a week and I'm doing that because, kind of like the similar thing is that she seems to enjoy daycare where she's out right now more than she wants to just sit there and kind of like wait for me to give her attention. And on one side, I completely understand that, which is why I'm like, oh no, we're just going to. If she's having a hard day the day before and she seems like really restless, I'll send her an extra day. But when we walk in the door and the first thing she says and this is where we go is someone that we actually have known for quite a long time, and it's her and her daughter, and she always says Becca, becca, which is her name, and she just runs over to her and I'm like, oh yeah, at least get a hug.

Speaker 1: 6:14

I know, like I totally get it. So I like feel guilty when I'm keeping her from a place that gives her all these things and she comes home saying new words because she hears other kids talking and I think that provides for her at least more of like insight and more of like oh, like we were talking, and it's not just the adults talking, you know, like that it gives her something that she learns from, because she hears all these other kids and watches them play and watches them interact. And it's just, I can't always give her that and it's just like this huge, like feeling of guilt because, like I want her with me, but when she's with me I can't give her what she needs. So then I'm sending her to daycare and she's enjoying it, so then I feel like why can't I provide that to her and why can't she be thriving with?

Speaker 2: 6:59

me.

Speaker 1: 7:00

You know, like that. I guess that really feels like the worst part is that I can't give her the thriving environment that she longs for and needs. Yeah, that's the worst part, I think.

Speaker 2: 7:11

Absolutely. I think we talked about this a pinch on another episode too, where we were like, you know, the not being able to give like your full attention and or be, you know, like I mean, I love my kids to death but I'm not really a good player and you know, I guess I don't know if it's imagination thing or whatever my husband's really good at it. I'm not, and Sabrina is very good at it, our au pair and I'm. So sometimes I feel the same way where it's like, oh, I want to be the one that's, you know, with the car, the train or whatever it is, you know, and then I go down there and I do it and I'm like, in you know, 10, 15 minutes I'm like, oh, my God, I can't do this anymore, and not in a bad way. Like, sometimes I'm like, oh, should we shift games? And you know, we run through, like these games, and yeah, then that's when it feels like, you know, I want to spend all this time with them. But sometimes I feel like incapable because, like you said, I almost can't provide the thriving environment.

Speaker 2: 8:09

And recently I've tried to take solace and knowing that maybe that's not my cup of tea, but what I am is their safety. You know like I I I couldn't get over both of them. When I go downstairs sometimes, or when they're hurt, I mean, both their little feet run straight to me you know what I mean and I pick them up and I console them. Or when we're, when our relaxing time at the end of the day that's what we call it and they'll come and sit with us, or we play and read books, whatever it is. You know they want to sit on my lap and they want to be there. So I try to remind myself that maybe I can't be everything, but I am a huge part of that and I try to remind myself of that every single time, like when she's like no, you'll go upstairs and I'm like okay, it's only because you're not that fun, but you're comforting, right.

Speaker 1: 9:00

And my daughter does the same thing, like it's just the running to me when something's wrong or something is hurting, or she needs something and that's the good part, and I guess it's like weighing the feeling inadequate with the knowing that I'm her special person, and I think that's where you can start to feel a little bit better about those things and realize that there are some things that are going to be necessarily better for them in certain aspects of their life, but you're always going to be that person that they really look to because you're their caretaker, You're their like best friend in their eyes, especially at this age.

Speaker 1: 9:35

So it's like there's going to be like the little tips and stuff when they get like a little angry with you because you said no.

Speaker 1: 9:41

But all in all, like the pressure that society puts on you to be like that everything in their life needs to look, they like need to look for you and they need to look to you for all those things is just not because one, it's just not necessary and it's also not realistic because in some people may actually have all those key points down and props to you and I you know what sometimes I envy that. Sometimes I really am like I'm okay with not being that, but just in terms of like societal pressure, it is okay to not be every single thing that they absolutely need in that moment. It is okay for things to one change and for you to not feel bad that you aren't able to provide every single little thing. If you're a working mom, stay at home moms. I understand that's a little bit of a different story and you might have a little bit more opportunity to do certain things. But also, don't put all that pressure on yourself, even if you have the opportunity to do all those things, because you're only one person.

Speaker 2: 10:40

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think you hit something that I struggle with and I'm assuming many moms do. Like you know my Instagram. That's where you go to for a lot of the societal, like you know, norms and different things or whatever is going on. But I follow a lot of stay at home moms and I follow a lot of working moms, so you get a mix of that and of course, you know, for the most part you see a lot of all the good of what happens and what's going on.

Speaker 2: 11:05

But you know, sometimes you see, like you know, being a stay at home mom, it's like you have some of the time to get stuff done, but the kids are on you every minute, you know. So it is hard to kind of like set up time for yourself, the same way it is to set up time for working or doing different things. You know, and the societal norms or what being a mom is is and sometimes I think I in particular get caught up with a lot of the pressure too is you shouldn't complain, you shouldn't, you know, feel bad that you can't do these things and you shouldn't, I don't know, you just should be able to do everything is kind of how it is. You should be able to be gone from eight to five and still have a great dinner on the table and these perfectly packed lunches and breakfast for your kids and, you know, work out and do all the things. Well, no, that's really hard. Something's got to give at some point, you know, and, like you said, sometimes I envy it. You look at it and you're like that sounds wonderful, but at the same time, learning to be okay with not being able to do all of that, I think, is really relieving.

Speaker 2: 12:19

You know that I'm not perfect and I'm doing the best I can every single day. And that's kind of where it falls, you know, and sometimes that's comes with anxiety. Sometimes that's a it's an easy day, sometimes it's, you know, I don't know, but I feel like there's no winning. Whether you're a stay at home mom, whether you're a working mom, there's always going to be some form of guilt. Whether you work remotely as a mom, you know coming, you know at home too, like there's literally always something that could be done better. You wish you did better. You know it's just a lot of pressure to have it all together 24, seven, to have it all together. You know, I don't know.

Speaker 1: 13:00

I feel like there's just like this underlying implication by society that says that there is no winning as a mom. Like you're a stay at home mom and you should have the house all clean, you get the easy. Like everything that you're doing is easy because you're just staying at home.

Speaker 2: 13:18

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 13:18

When, in reality, there is like so many one studies and two like evidence and the fact that, as I say, at home, mom, they're doing everything that we're doing outside the home just differently, like they're doing all of the hours, they're doing it without pay, like they're doing so much more than just staying at home. So I know that that is one huge thing that I never stop hearing. And then, as for working moms, it's oh, your career is more important than the family that you chose to start and you really want to focus on yourself. Still, you shouldn't have had kids yet and you're not. You know you're neglecting your family and all this stuff, and it's just like you really just feel pushed and pulled, no matter what, because there's just like it's never ending and, honestly, like you have to pick your battles. And at that point, I would just really focus on the fact that you are providing exactly what you need to for your family, right? First of all, this whole discussion is between you and your partner. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 14:20

If you have one and like the environment for your kid and if they really thrive in daycare, great. And if they really thrive in home while you're doing things. Trying to do things like that's, it really is just like a whole conversation with your own family and that's all that matters. And the guilt part of that is definitely hard. But looking at it in a way of you're doing the best that you can and you're providing the best that you can to your family and giving yourself room to make errors and to not be every single little thing for your kid that they need at that moment is okay.

Speaker 1: 14:56

And that is something that's going to happen now, later and in 10 years from now, when you know your kids are older. It's just, it's always going to be different. Things are ever changing. Like, yeah, I guess progress is not linear in any aspect.

Speaker 2: 15:10

Right, no, absolutely. I mean there's always. It's just a different type of need as things change as the kids grow and whatever it may be. But I mean, as you were saying, some of that, I couldn't help but get like incredibly frustrated that literally there's no winning. And that's one of, like, my biggest like, what do you call it? Like, not a, not a pet peeve, but it's so annoying and frustrating that in lots of things with parenthood it feels like there isn't winning because you're not doing it right to somebody, you're not doing it right to somebody else or whatever. But at the end of the day it matters. With your family in your home, with your partner, with your children, with whatever your family dynamic is what makes the most sense and are you doing the best you can in that situation? Like you know, maybe daycare you? You feel uncomfortable about it. But is your child thriving? Like you know, you talked about your daughter. Is she having a good time and coming home? Are you paying attention to the signs of that? Are you putting them in the best environment for them to thrive? And sometimes that's not at home.

Speaker 2: 16:14

Realistically and I only say that because I think I need to start taking, you know, some of this advice to myself is I don't want to put my daughter in, you know, preschool or anything yet, and people ask all the time but I don't want to because I want her home. But would she have more fun? Would she be more social? Would she do these things? Maybe, probably, and at some point you start to hold them back. So if you're feeling guilt about something, just think about the best case scenario, and I guess this is one of those times where I think you do want to put them first and then put, like your feelings, in something second and then make sure that it's a cohesive, like working kind of environment for the entire family in those kind of step orders. You know what I mean? Yeah, right, yeah, I mean I guess a lot of it is taking away that societal or whatever pressure gets put on you by somebody else and making sure that your unit, your family unit, is functioning correctly.

Speaker 1: 17:09

Yeah, I know, I completely agree, and my last sentiment is just going to be that motherhood is anything and everything except for a simple, and it's not. There's no handbook, and if someone seems like they have every single thing together, like they have their crap together, that's probably one really fortunate for them. And two, they probably don't. So like, yeah, it might seem like that, but they probably don't, and you know, there's no A to Z how to do things step one, two, three. So again, just whatever you feel like you're doing is working for your family, keep doing it and if you need to make a change, it's okay to feel guilty and it's okay to feel like a little sad about acknowledging the fact that things might need to change, but that's just putting, like you said, putting their needs first, and then you're feeling second.

Speaker 2: 18:01

Absolutely Well. We're going to keep it nice and mini, like we try to do for these. So thank you for joining us on this mini session today. We'd love to hear what you think about mom guilt, whether you are a stay at home, mom working, mom working remotely. So tag us at postpartum confessions, underscore and share when you are listening so that we can connect with you.

Speaker 1: 18:24

Yeah, and the best way to support us is by sharing this episode with others. If you know a mama or parent who can benefit from this episode, definitely go ahead and share it with them, but thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 2: 18:34

Yeah, bye, mama. Thank you so much for joining us today. We're so excited you're taking this journey with us. If you enjoyed this episode and you'd like to help support the podcast, please subscribe, leave a rating, a review or tell another mama about us.

Speaker 1: 18:48

To stay up to date with postpartum confessions and get all the behind the scenes content. You can join our email list or follow us on Instagram at postpartum confessions underscore. All the links are in our show notes. They say it takes a village. Welcome home, mama.