09 l How to Build Your Mom Village l A Guide to Finding Your Community

What happens when you combine the stress of motherhood with the challenges of feeling alone? Enter Nadine Steele - a mom, wife, and coach who's navigated these waters with grace and resilience, and now, she’s here to share her journey with us. Nadine is passionately devoted to helping mothers find joy in their roles while creating supportive communities around them.

We dive into an engaging conversation with Nadine about the importance of building your own Mom Village. Picture this: less stress, more support, and an environment filled with love and understanding. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Nadine shares how she went from being an isolated mother in a foreign country to creating a thriving network of supportive moms. She not only talks about her own experiences but also provides practical tips on setting boundaries and reaching out to other moms.

But we all know reaching out can be scary, right? What if you're rejected or judged? Fear not! The conversation takes a turn into the realm of confidence-building and overcoming fear of rejection. With Nadine’s expert guidance, we explore how to formulate a way to reach out that avoid sparking fear of rejection and increase the chances of getting a positive response. By the end of our chat, you'll feel empowered to create your own mom village, equipped with tools to build connections and foster a joy-filled journey through motherhood. Don’t miss out on this enlightening episode of Postpartum Confessions!

Nadine’s guide on “How to Ask For Help”
Connect with Nadine on Insta: @Nadinestille

Thank you so much for joining us today . We’re so excited you’re taking this journey with us! They say it takes a village, welcome home mama!

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Felicia’s Instagram: @Felicia_Sorby
Bri’s Instagram: @Brie.Rodriquez

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Hey mama, welcome to Postpartum Confessions, a podcast for anyone navigating the ups and downs of becoming a mom. I'm Felicia.

Speaker 2: 0:17

I'm Breet and we're here to bring you truly unfiltered conversations from the expected to the unexpected parts of being a mom, Whether you're trying to conceive, pregnant or already a mother, this podcast is for you.

Speaker 1: 0:27

Let's discover the secrets no one told you about motherhood and how to overcome them together. They say it takes a village. Welcome home.

Speaker 2: 0:34

Are you ready? Let's dive in. Hey mama, this is Breet, and we're so happy you're here with us today and are excited to share that we have our first guest episode for you and it's going to be a good one. So today we have Nadine Steele. Nope, I think I might have gotten it wrong. I'm sorry. She'll correct me here, but she's here with us and we're going to dive into creating your village because community is good and everything right. So, felicia.

Speaker 1: 1:09

Hey mama, this is Felicia and I want to start out by saying hey, nadine, thank you so much for being here and we are so happy to have you. We can also get started by showing and telling you a little about yourself and how you got into the industry and became so passionate about this topic.

Speaker 3: 1:26

Hi, both of you. Hi, everyone listening in. I'm a mama too. Hi, and Breet, you nearly got it right. I know you asked me to correct you, so it's Nadine Steele, almost. Yeah, so close, so close, but it doesn't really matter. I'm Nadine. Hi, everyone listening in. Hi, breet, hi Felicia, it's an honor to be here.

Speaker 3: 1:49

I've been following you nearly even before you had your first teaser episode out, because I was like so this is amazing what you're doing, so needed, and I was like, hey, can we collaborate? And I'm so grateful I got to be with you today and talk to you about mom villages. But first about a bit more about myself. So I'm a mama too. I'm a wife to a Canadian, I'm originally German, now live in Vancouver, canada, and I'm also a lover of books and cakes and one of the reasons I'm sure that's not necessarily the reason you invited me on but I am also a coach and I do coach or support moms, mainly with careers, who want to ditch the daily grind and bring a bit more joy into their lives. I'm a recovering, stress out mom who is constantly trying to kind of balance society's expectations to be perfect mom and a kind of ambitious career woman, and it's kind of a lot there. I know you've already touched on it, but there's this pressure that we feel that's kind of relentless, just always there. It's kind of unique to moms, I find, and it's definitely unsustainable at the level that at least I and lots of the moms I talk to kind of set out into this world, and partly that's because we don't have enough information or it's not shared. So this is where your podcast comes in, like super, super handy and so there's not a lot of joy about in the early days because you're thinking you're hitting to that perfect ideal that isn't actually representative of what the real world is actually like. So I'm here kind of to show that there's a more balanced and joy filled way to go through motherhood and I help moms see how powerful and amazing they already are.

Speaker 3: 3:50

I think that was the second part was like how did I get here? So I first got introduced to coaching when I was working for a global tech company. I was a hiring manager, people leader. I was a mentor during that time as well and led a business women's network. So I've always supported specifically women in the workforce and I used coaching early on and saw what they, or later on in my career when I first introduced to it and I saw the effect it had on my team members and the women I supported, and also the effect it had on me. Because I wanted to, I had to coach myself. I got hooked on learning more about it because I wanted as many people as possible to see the effect it can have and to kind of get unstuck, get you know, work towards those dreams you had and then by far exceeding them. And so I took lots of training with the I think it's now one of the largest global training organizations called Coactive Training. I got certified through the positive intelligence and then accredited through the International Coaching Federation as well, and eventually I just realized through my own motherhood journey so it's very similar actually to what you're doing that there's so much more support needed for mothers specifically, and so that's where I found my own sweet spot to helping moms out.

Speaker 3: 5:25

And, yeah, I think it's time our, or we, moms put our own needs and wishes and desires on top of our never ending to-do lists, and relationships are actually a big part of that. Hence that's where the mom village comes in. There's a survey released just a little while ago here in Canada about the top stressors for people, and relationship is actually the top in the top three of why people get stressed out. I know, right. And so, yeah, this is like. I know we're going to talk a little bit more about the mom village and all these kinds of things, but it's important. If you don't have the right people in or around you, then it causes massive amounts of stress on top of you know you're trying to figure out what it's like to be a mom, to juggle your day to day and the career and and and so having a supportive network around you is super, super important, and so it's like, let's do it, let's do it. That's what I was passionate about it. That's amazing.

Speaker 2: 6:36

Yeah, I mean we can hear the passion, and that's exciting because it is. I mean, sometimes when you're just like in those trenches or in those thoughts, it's so hard to get out and sometimes you do need a little bit of guidance, whether that be from a coach or building the community. You know, and and that's kind of hard to do. So you know, I know they say a lot of times that you know it takes a village to raise a child, and that's what, like one of the most common sayings. But you know, right now we're talking about and you're stressing the importance of advocating for the fact that moms need a village too. So can you tell us a little bit more about, I guess, what you mean and what that looks like? Because now that you mentioned that study I'm so interested in, you know, or an understanding, how it's a stressor. So what does that, I guess, look like when we're creating a mom village?

Speaker 3: 7:27

Oh, my God, so many great questions to cover there. And yeah, there is so. Obviously, if you have very like toxic or unsupported people in your life, that's not good. If you I know you've talked several times about not being able to ask for help when you actually have the people right in front of you who are there to help you, but what's holding you back from it? There's something not quite right in that relationship. It's not a healthy one. It's other mothers judging you, or not just mothers? Other people are so easy to judge your own parenting style. Or it's like oh, why is your kid crying? Maybe you should do something about it. Hell, well, you know. Sorry, I'm allowed to swear you are.

Speaker 3: 8:11

It's like, oh, this is a swear like topic. It's rolling me up, it's like the passion coming through, right. So there is like, if you do not like, talking about a mom village is basically like curating the people that are supportive for you. You decide who comes close to you. It's basically having a friendship or supportive circle around you. I just call it the mom village, but it's it's like curating that and then also saying, okay, setting boundaries around it and saying I don't need to deal with that. Okay, that's okay if you have that opinion, but I don't need to have that in my life right now. Right, and that is for in person.

Speaker 3: 8:54

For like online communities as well, you know. Like online, hate and shaming and you know guilt inducing conversations or just flipping like comments is can be quite common. So if you're constantly feeling not enough when you're already questioning everything and you're learning this new role of being a mom, then that can be that that's a stressor, because you're constantly aiming for this idea of what other people think you should be doing, and that's just. That's just not enough. It's, it's definitely a stressor. So, like with my, my, I know. Part of the other question was like what does that look like and what's my own experience with it. So my kid was born the beginning of the pandemic. I also had moved here to Vancouver just a few years prior, so part of my family is not here my friends that I had in a different country. And when my son was born right at the beginning of the pandemic, we were also the only couple in the place that we lived in the condo building that had actually a kid, a baby. So when I eventually found out that there's a new family that moved into the building, I and we still had to be, you know, keeping our distances and everything. I just sent them a little note under the door and said in the voice of my son and said hi, I'm baby so-and-so from apartment so-and-so. I'm so glad I'm not only the only boy here.

Speaker 3: 10:31

Could you possibly ask your parents if they wanted to hang out with us all for a walk in the park or something like this? This is my mom's telephone number and it works. Oh my God, we actually ended up, you know, connecting and going out, but it's like, hey, I need to do something. I've asked people in the playgrounds. I'm raising my boy bilingually and I heard someone in the playground speaking. Well, I said earlier, I'm German. So I heard someone another parent speak German to their kid on the playground and it's not that common here. So it's like, but I was already on the way out, kiddo was a bit like and we need to eat something, and like on the way home and I was like hang on. So I just ran over to the smile and said, hi, I speak German too. Do you want to hang out for a coffee chat at some stage? But I don't have a lot of time. Are you up for like just swapping telephone numbers and then we can chat? It's like, yeah, I'm in a hurry too, but yeah, like, she was so like grateful to, we were very happy and we just texted the other day again. It's that kind of taking a few leaps and starting. Yeah, taking a few leaps and the courage to kind of reach out, and that is I don't know.

Speaker 3: 11:43

I talk with a lot of moms specifically early on and that's obviously everyone's listening and still relatively early in their motherhood journey. So it's very easy to get to feel lonely and it's something that we also do not talk about very often. It wasn't really on the agenda for me. I mean, obviously pandemic was a whole other was in a whole other level of not meeting anyone. You know, you don't have your parent and toddler playgroups anymore or the supportive playgroups from whatever. Everything just kind of fell away, but it's still happening.

Speaker 3: 12:21

Everyone in those online groups kept saying like, oh, I'm just here on my own and I don't see anyone, and so that sense of isolation was really impactful, especially if you've also then had we're in a different city than maybe most of your friends or your family and you couldn't leave, or any of those types of things. And so, yeah, I think during the pandemic specifically, we just had to rethink what that mom village, that support of friends or girl, looks like. It's no longer what we were expecting, I guess, or maybe our parents or previous generations have experienced, where you know you had all around and people just kind of held because it wasn't possible, you know. And so now a mom village is about like letting go of what we think it should look like or it used to look like, and it's like now figuring out what is that. Now you know you could be part of someone's mom village.

Speaker 3: 13:29

It's a really great resource. You're in the DMs on Instagram, you're chatting with people and the information that you share, that you're really valuable resources to be in someone's mom village. It could be someone else online or an online group. It could be something local. It's a matter of like rethinking what that mom village could look like and curating that for yourself in a way that makes sense for you. So it's different for everyone. Yeah, yeah, long answer to the questions.

Speaker 1: 14:04

Yeah, no, it definitely does. So that definitely is true, where it's different for everyone on what that looks like. But the overall idea has changed, especially after the pandemic, and even more so for people that have already maybe experienced like a big move and that has already been like that for them for a while. So the pandemic just kind of encouraged that even more. But in terms of what you're just saying, how can they start to create that mom village for themselves?

Speaker 3: 14:36

So, like two examples of like already, given how I started, eventually I took that a step further as well and I teamed up with another local entrepreneur who's also a mom and we say it's like everyone was kind of always in a hurry. Like I said, it's like you're at a playground in a park and you're on the hurry and you don't really have time to connect and or the energy. Let's face it, right, right. So like another further step I took was I started organizing face to face meetings with that other mom that I met and those meetings were specifically there to help mom make mom friends. It's called moms meeting moms and everyone is there knowing that they're looking for friends and it's a quick get together. You exchange telephone numbers, you have a chat and then you meet up afterwards again. So that's an initiative to help some others out as well. But there's WhatsApp chat groups. You can start that yourself from, like your daycare provider or other moms that you meet. You set something up, maybe on on Facebook, or meet up or the peanut up and just just ask. Sometimes there's online parenting groups. You can put a you know, a notice board at the local community center and you're like hey, mama, looking for someone to have a coffee with, and you'd be surprised how many people will feel like someone's taking charge. Thank you, I don't have to do it because I don't have the energy Right. So you know that definitely comes up, and so there's different ways to do that online, in person, sometimes it can be.

Speaker 3: 16:26

I know you mentioned in one of your earlier episodes that you were looking in Facebook groups or in online groups. You weren't necessarily participating, but just lurking, and that's okay too if you need to. You know, work your way up to that a bit as well to find the courage, and sometimes maybe you're just responding to someone else who's reaching out and wants to have a coffee, and maybe that's you. It takes a bit of courage. It can be baby steps, just a hello first, and kind of just coming back again to who that could be. I forgot to say earlier.

Speaker 3: 17:04

It could be, you know, the team down the road who wants to do a bit of extra babysitting. It could be that older parent, or the older person down the road as well, who you know will help you bring kiddo to school in the mornings because you have to go and run up to work. It could be another parent somewhere with a different, with a kid of a different age group. It's very, very open. It could be like a coach like me, it could be you. There's lots of different people of what that could be. It's just a bit of a more firm and mindful approach of hey, you know, it would be lovely to have someone like that on my side and it goes both ways Right. It's not just a taking from someone, it's also like how can you reciprocate? It's a true, healthy relationship where everyone's in it.

Speaker 2: 17:55

Yeah, oh my gosh, I feel like you're speaking to a couple of things that I've said, I've done and I know other moms will too like just in their heads and you know about not having time and honestly it's been a little lazy sometimes and a couple different things. But it made me think about something that I just heard recently on a different podcast, but she was talking about, like when you're searching for friends. A lot of times we're searching for like the friend or like people in your community where it's like you have like a rigid kind of mindset of okay, well, they have to be around my age, they have to be maybe parents and the kids should be around my kids age, like everything has to match up, otherwise they're not going to understand right, and you know she along the lines of what you said.

Speaker 2: 18:39

It was kind of like you know, if you're looking for somebody like you, you might not find that, basically because they're just as busy as you are. If you have two kids and you're not able to just like go and meet up for coffee at any time, guess who can maybe a single woman, or maybe a woman that doesn't have kids. So kind of get rid of that idea and open up. Like you said, it could be somebody down the street, it could be this, it could be that. I think what comes up a lot and I'm going to ask for myself but for other moms too. You talked a lot about like jumping out there and being confident and being the first one to take initiative, because I think you're 100% right A lot of moms are just waiting.

Speaker 2: 19:20

A lot of people I think this goes into making friends in general are waiting for somebody to make the move because they're scared, right? So two fold kind of Do you have any tips for building that confidence and doing like the? Just doing it and asking the person that you know that you maybe have something to relate to, or at the park or whatever. And the second part to that is because I think what scares people is maybe a little bit of fear of rejection. Do you have maybe a tip about not being like down and trying again if somebody doesn't like reciprocate? Does that? You know what I mean? I?

Speaker 3: 20:01

was like so great questions, so to getting over like the fear of reaching out. It kind of sounds so corny but it's like do it anyway, what is he doing?

Speaker 3: 20:14

Yeah, I mean, do it anyway. That's sometimes the push we need Because it's yeah, I'm started with something. Start with something or someone safe. Right, it's like if there is a neighbor that you know everyone always seems to be talking to, anyway, it's just you who hasn't, like, said hello yet. Or you've said hello and there's always a warm smile coming back, but you're not actually like lingering around and maybe asking them a question hey, how's your day been so far? Or you know, just anything safe Like. Take that a step further. So start with someone safe that you may already know or you have a really good like report with, and just take that a tiny bit further. You don't have to ask them to go on holiday with you together. You know it's the hey, hello, how are you? It's when you're at the park and the playground and you really gel with someone hey, this has been so lovely, isn't it? Do you wanna hang out here again next time, same time, Would that work for you? And then see where this goes. So it's like what is already there, built on that, someone you're feeling really comfy with and you have that relationship with. Does that make sense? Towards your first question, yes, it does absolutely.

Speaker 3: 21:30

And the second part was, oh, fear for rejection. I've actually well, first of all, I really do think and from all the moms that I've talked with, I've seen this stuff online and you're obviously saying to there's such a need for actual connections, like true connection, so I think the chances of someone saying no is lower than you may think it is. And obviously it also depends like how you're asking and but it's like if it's a genuine hey, do you wanna be best friends with me? And then you say, oh, by the way, I wanted to say hello. It's like, don't jump in like this, but just test forward. How would you like to be approached? What would work for you If you're saying hi, do you wanna hang out for coffee? If you've met someone, or if your kid is already going to school or to daycare or whatever see if there's other parents, that's like, hey, after drop off, would you wanna hang out for a quick coffee? Or, once you pick them up, do you wanna hang around and go to the park with the kids together? It's like, take it from some place where you're already really comfy with and you feel kind of safe.

Speaker 3: 22:47

And then I was actually just working on a. I kind of fits in nicely here. I was just working on a freebie last night how to a step-by-step guide how to ask for help, and yeah, okay, so I'll send you the link and you can pop it in the show notes. And as part of that research for it, I actually came across a few articles and studies that showed.

Speaker 3: 23:15

Study after study showed that people ask the right way, actually perceive it as something very positive to be asked for help or to jump in. They feel like good about themselves to be able to have the opportunity to help out or to do something for people. So generally, the person asking for help totally underestimates the percentage of people like to get a yes, basically. And so just just to do it, and as part of that document, that freebie that I created, there are some strategies, there's like some phrases. This is what you can use to formulate your request. I was also totally wowed by if you do ask someone, the. There was some studies that showed if you call or you talk to someone in person, your chances to get a yes are 36 times higher than just sending a text or an email, which I thought was actually pretty cool as well. So does that answer the second part of your questions? Like overcoming your projection.

Speaker 3: 24:26

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 24:26

Yeah, no, it does indeed. And I think it's funny that you mentioned like the text thing or that study. I mean, I believe it a hundred percent because I think text is like really safe, right. You're like, oh, yeah, the idea sounds good, but like, because it's a text, I don't have to like meet up with you, you know. But if you're in person and face to face, you're like, oh, you know what, okay, you know, yeah, kind of changes the game. So maybe it's like not being scared of in persons, you know.

Speaker 1: 24:53

Yeah, no, and I've seen like a study as well and I believe it said that around, especially for new moms, up to like the first six months to a year are like I believe it was like 72% more likely to not answer a text message. Anyways, no matter what it's about, because we're just like, especially not within like the first three days that it was received, I was like I relate to that. I'm sorry if that's been you. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:22

Yeah, really, and probably still a few that need to get back to yeah, right.

Speaker 1: 25:28

And so there have been just a lot of tips and great insight from you. So thank you so much. And if you had to narrow it down to the main takeaway from today's session, what would you want moms to know?

Speaker 3: 25:40

First of all, you can do it, and it's like you just have to take a bit of a leap. You have to take a bit of a leap, seared as a matter of, maybe, baby steps. You know we're talking about babies and being an imam. Yeah, baby steps, baby steps.

Speaker 3: 25:58

And a request actually has it to do for today even is like think about that one person that you feel safe with, you want to take a relationship that's tiny bits further with, and then send them. Well, do that. Okay, if you want to send them a message, like, just send them a message, it's you know, just reach out. If it's someone you know rethinking, just put a local parent Facebook group and you're like does anyone want to meet up for a coffee? Totally cool to you know. It's like, pop that in and that's the request for today. Just like, do something to get closer to adding someone mindfully to your mom village. You can do it Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 26:44

Oh my gosh, I like that we have a tip that is actionable for today. Let's have you start thinking about that and make a little bit of progress and send the message. I love it. Yeah, so well, you know, I actually think that that's kind of a good spot. Like you know, to I want, I want people to like run with that. So you know, I mean thank you so much for being here and like talking with us and like shedding light on creating your mom village because that's what we're here for and that's one of our welcome to our village. Like we want to invite this big group together and share experiences and be there and hopefully empower people too to be the ones to step forward and get to know people right by doing this. So we'd like to see some messages and let us know and they do know if you've got a message today, because I think that would be fun and connecting for all of us, right.

Speaker 3: 27:37

I love that idea. I mean, we really I love that idea.

Speaker 2: 27:40

Yeah, Let us know that's what I want to know that it happened Exactly.

Speaker 3: 27:45

That's what I wanted to say Like, go on Instagram and tag us. Tag us, let us know it's so fun.

Speaker 1: 27:52

Yeah, right, like tag us in a story or send us a DM.

Speaker 2: 27:55

Yes, yeah, let us know. Snap a picture of that coffee date, you know.

Speaker 3: 28:01

Oh, I love that idea yeah.

Speaker 2: 28:02

We'll, yeah, let's, we'll start a little movement about it now. That way it inspires you to go a little bit, you know yeah.

Speaker 1: 28:08

Yeah, and also just to add in as well where can our mamas find you and all of this great info?

Speaker 3: 28:17

So, yeah, we just mentioned Instagram. We'll pop the handle in the in the show notes it's my. My name, nadine Stille, edna Nadine Stille. And then that freebie that I mentioned earlier a step by step guide how to ask for help as an overwhelmed mom is on my website, and once you get that free download, you'll also be joining my newsletter community as well. Yeah, and just click on it and and work through it. Yeah, perfect.

Speaker 2: 28:49

Yes, we'll add that everything in the show notes, so it's easy to find for you. All right, yeah, thank you so much. I appreciate all of the insight you gave us and I think this is going to be incredibly helpful.

Speaker 3: 28:59

Oh, it's been wonderful, I'm with you. I feel like we could take this conversation like further for hours.

Speaker 2: 29:07

It's true. I'm actually thinking that we may have to have you back because I, as you were talking, you, I know you mentioned some of the boundary stuff and I want to get into that for the villages, Like you know. So I think that's an episode in itself, so we'll have to connect back with you here.

Speaker 3: 29:25

I mean I'd be honored to. This has definitely been one of my favorites Perfect, oh, thank you so much. It's been wonderful and I can't wait to see some of those stories and and help just to get some people over you know, some of the new mamas in there and make a few more friends and and bring a bit more joy into their lives, cause you know, we all, we all needed and just take, take the first step, you can do it.

Speaker 2: 29:52

Yeah, so thank you. I mean it's our effort too to try to build a community and bring people together too. And you know, speaking with you and and other people who who have some really great guidance, I think it's going to move the needle for all moms out there. So it's going to be great. Yeah, perfect.

Speaker 3: 30:07

All right.

Speaker 2: 30:08

Well, thank you. Thanks for having me. Bye. Thank you so much for joining us today. We're so excited you're taking this journey with us. If you enjoyed this episode and you'd like to help support the podcast, please subscribe, leave a rating or review, or tell another mama about us To stay up to date with post-partum confessions and get all the behind the scenes content.

Speaker 1: 30:28

You can join our email list or follow us on Instagram at post-partum confessions underscore. All the links are in our show notes. They say it takes a village. Welcome home, mama.